


Apple

by Madtom_Publius



Series: Valley Forge [13]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Religious Guilt, christian specific self loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7383811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madtom_Publius/pseuds/Madtom_Publius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Alex think making out will help relieve stress, but John can't get over what society has taught him, especially when he starts enjoying it too much. John's perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apple

They should be making themselves agreeable with their brother aides. They should be working. They should be sleeping. They should be reading. They should be doing anything,  _ anything  _ but this, Laurens could faintly hear his conscience screaming from where he’d shoved it to the far back of his mind in a voice that sounded disconcertingly like his father’s. It had started innocently enough,  _ nobly  _ even (but then it always did, didn’t it?), with Alexander excusing himself from their camaraderie to further exhaust himself on the demoralizing work of supplying the army, and of course,  _ of course _ John couldn’t let him take all that on himself, and he’d insisted on staying and helping him. Only the  _ best  _ of intentions. When Alexander had grown visibly overexerted, his free hand rubbing furiously at the spot above his left eyebrow where his headaches always began while his leg bounced so furiously as to shake their desk, John had suggested they break, that they lie down for a bit, that he could try to ease some of the tension plaguing his friend. It was only what a good brother ought to do. But embraces of this nature were well beyond what even the most liberal of European sensibilities could consider brotherly. And now he lay pinned to their cot under Alexander, who was lavishing him with sweetly probing kisses as he weakly kneaded his shoulders.  _ Of course  _ he couldn’t offer the pure offices of friendly succor without perverting it, twisting it, exploiting an offer to relieve pain for his own sick benefit… and on and on as was always the case when that part of him appalled at himself… as was happening more and more frequently. Meanwhile the martial part of him bristled at how femininely,  _ wantonly  _ he allowed himself to yield. A soldier should never take such a passive part, certainly shouldn’t relish in it. But the giddy hum that pushed into John’s brain as Alexander’s tongue pushed against his drowned all that out. 

 

This was wrong… this was so  _ wrong _ … and he’d always known that, since he was a boy, since the minister’s words on heart-sodomy had set his gut knotting in terror at his impending damnation and his father had mistakenly prided himself on such a pious boy who wept in church. He’d alway,  _ always  _ known which urges he could act on towards his friends and which were too contemptible to name. How could he not know? Such knowledge was innate, a question of natural versus unnatural, even baser forms of life knew… And yet when Alexander broke from his lips he followed their retreat as if by magnetism, an indignant, needy chuff pushing out of his chest before he could stop it. But how could he not object to the loss of a mouth as sweet as that? And all they were doing was kissing, and it was not a sin to kiss…

 

He could hear the minister, cautioning against such qualifying:  _ The apple was sweet, and the man took only the merest bite, yet the Lord had forbidden it… _

 

Laurens was hazily aware of his conscience smugly reminding him that Adam’s fall (which damned us all) was more understandable, more forgivable than what he was now dabbling in. After all, what was more natural than being seduced by a woman? He could feel his body glowing with warmth under Alexander’s lust-muddled gaze and he ran his hand up his neck to lightly trace his jaw, handling him like some precious, antique relic, delighting in the shiver that followed his touch. He once again reminded the blustering voice that he had scoured the holy scriptures, and nowhere had he found a sanction on kissing. Provided it remained only that, they could indulge. And it was so easy to persuade himself of that here, like this, with Hamilton, who could so confuse and confound his defenses…

 

_ The Devil shall confound you, the Devil shall confuse your reasons, and the Devil shall lead you into damnation along the primrose path… _

 

But Alexander was too sweet to be a devil. No, that honor was reserved for Laurens himself… But all of that was chased from his mind when Hamilton descended, pressing his lips firmly to the base of John’s neck. He could feel himself stretching it out to give Alexander better access to the most sensitive parts… and it was so  _ hard  _ to keep quiet when he reached the soft spot just below his jaw… and when Alexander discovered his ear and took the lobe between his teeth and then slowly traced the spiral of it with his expert tongue… Never before had John found himself so susceptible to another, not even Martha could so enthrall him… that time he had fallen prey to his body’s passions, but this… Alexander seemed able to open up whole new avenues of dangerous bliss…

 

Dangerous indeed.

 

He should have listened to what he  _ knew _ , not tried to justify actions he  _ knew  _ were wrong,  _ knew  _ would lead to actions infinitely worse, should never have persuaded himself to indulge in this flagrant sin, should have at the very least paid more attention to the warning signs so he could have stopped this before he lost control of himself and allowed his desire to harden obscenely against Alexander’s thigh. Shrugging Alexander roughly off him, Laurens flung himself onto his side, trying to put as much distance between them as possible on their narrow cot. The too-pleasant warmth that had filled him a moment ago transformed into a burning shame (a mere shadow of course to the burning he’d experience after death) and painful rigidity had replaced the looseness in his muscles. It wasn’t enough for him to shame himself in his own heart, he had to be so unmanly as to show it? He couldn’t be satisfied with degrading himself, he had to foist such degradation on a friend? He couldn’t be satisfied with the transgressions they were already making, he had to desire the ultimate debauchery? Disgusted with the cowardice of it even as he did it, John rushed off a silent prayer that Alexander hadn’t noticed, though he ought to have hoped he had, then maybe he would see what John really was and free himself before too late. 

 

But  _ of course  _ Alexander had noticed. He noticed everything. John felt his lips on the back of his neck, followed by the press of the thin form against him and a hand snaking its way from his shoulder to his chest and once again the hum of desire drowned out his doubts and relaxed him into the joy of Alexander’s touch as the cunning hand circled lower and lower and  _ lower  _ and…

 

No. 

 

Laurens shoved Hamilton to the other side of their cot and curled tightly in on himself. What the hell was wrong with him, that he couldn’t keep their embraces from turning into  _ this _ , that he couldn’t offer comfort and release to his  _ friend  _ whom he was supposed to  _ love  _ without leading them both down paths that would infect his dear, sweet Alexander with this damnable contagion? He was a rake, taking advantage of such a man… for the sad truth was that Alexander had no understanding of what the proper forms of friendship were, and he was so reckless and so desperate to be loved… he’d let John go as far as he liked if he thought it would meant keeping him. The terror and disgust warring inside of him rapidly solved the problem that Alexander had been too willing to take on himself. John wanted to curse him for that. If he wasn’t so encouraging, if he wasn’t so accommodating, if he wasn’t so damn lovely… but all that was just a coward’s excuses. 

 

Next to him on their cot Hamilton heaved an exasperated sigh. “I don’t understand. If you’re enjoying it, why do you stop me?”

 

Laurens’ heart broke. All his suspicions were confirmed. It was almost enough to make him bolt from their bed, break their bond so Alexander could be safe from him… and just as vulnerable to the next jackal who happened to come his way. And this wasn’t Hamilton’s fault, punishing him for it would be an injustice and he wouldn’t understand. He simply had never been taught any better, and that wasn’t surprising considering his upbringing. And then it was all abundantly clear. God had set them together to test him. If he loved Alexander then it was up to him to not take advantage of him for base lusts and to show him the difference between the sordid connections he must have been exposed to in the Indies and the pure attachment that could exist between men like them. And he would prove to Alexander that he did love him by loving him as he deserved to be loved, no matter how sorely he was tempted to transgress. John turned over to face Alexander, giving him a long look. His dear boy’s face was a collage of frustration, confusion, and hurt. Finally, John reached a hand out to interlace their fingers and said “Because as your friend, I must hold your honor and your virtue as sacred as I hold my own. And that means I must protect them, even against my own selfish urges. Alexander seemed to struggle between affront at the suggestion he needed protecting, especially from John, and a strange tenderness at such a basic regard. Before he could make up his mind and express it however, John leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “Sleep, and know that I am yours, my Damon.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally authored by Madtomedgar


End file.
